The Tale of Brenno

[Morphinehit]

CHAPTER 4 : The Hills Have Eyes !

It was a slightly less porn-star-looking Vaganza who materialised on the edge of the mighty Lake Tahoe - just over from a pile of ugly dirt, and a stone's throw away from a pile of ... well ... stones. Having purged his initial ill-fated character, Brenno decided to do some background research amongst the many scrolls and texts that the great oracles 'Google' and 'DuckDuckGo' had provided him. While he still had the moustache of one who 'cleans ze pool', he was now equipped with a fishing rod, pick, pants, shirt and hill troll tattooed scrotum bag.

His stats had still been thrown together with all the finesse of a retarded monkey peeling a football, but his spirits were high, and he was ready.

Ready for anything.

Except what happened next.

'If in doubt, head south!' It was the last thing his gradfather had told him on his death bed. The fact that Grandpa had been as senile as a pigeon was beside the point. In the world of Xsyon, where everything is out to kill you, sometimes the words of our forefathers are the only things that stand between us and certain demise.

So Brenno hitched up his pants, adjusted his scrotum, and headed south.

It wasn't long - well it was, because he ran really, really slow - before Brenno encountered his first native wildlife. A hamster had wandered onto the path. It stood smaller than a goblin's dog, was fatter than a sack of mucus, and looked bloody delicious.

To the uninitiated, hamsters are cute. They are cuddly. They are furry, smelly, insanely promiscuous - but otherwise safe, and mostly edible. Brenno, having weighed up all this information, decided to approach. While not a killer by choice, he knew that survival in a post- apocalyptic world would call upon his most basic instincts to maim, kill, eat and poop. And it was a hamster, right? What could possibly go wrong???

[Morphinehit]

Chapter : 6? Or is it 7?

Brenno looked down proudly at his crop of grass (8 bunches), his habidashery of cloth (4 rolls) and his sculpture of scrap metal (14 bundles), smiling like an idiot. Such wealth ! Such splendour ! This, he mused, this was the beginning of an EMPIRE ! He envisioned a time when travellers from all over would come to marvel at the greatness of his tribe, and he would always remember that this was where it all started.

He now wore a snazzy grass hat that he found in an abandoned pouch, a pair of designer sneakers, and a blood smeared turtleneck jumper. He also had a scavenged basket next to his shiny new totem, which contained a veritable smorgasbord of crap (er, treasures); pull tabs from various beer cans, the rubber sole of a boot, 4 dimes, a recipe for something called an Awl, a rusty Fondu set, 3 spikes, a well-worn axe, 3 editions of Big Breasted Mutants, and a rather suspicious looking Pine Martin keychain.

All in all, things were looking up ...

His tribe stretched out as far as the eye could see (assuming the viewer was short sighted, or it was incredibly foggy), and sat on the shores of a lovely little river, apparently full of fish despite his unsuccessful attempts to catch any. Brenno shared his neighbourhood with the Browns, a newlywed couple of Revanants who owned a small Ebay company which sold ornate doorknobs, a family of Douglas Squirrels who occassionally ate him, and a tree called Frank. Frank had so far not caused Brenno any trouble.

A few days had passed since his ill-fated rendezvous with the Gluttonous Hamsters of Sector 782. In this time Brenno had rerolled 6 times, dropped 8 totems, and been killed in the following ways, each etched deeply into his memory ;

* walking down hill, hit small pebble, be catapulted 300 feet into the air, splat on granite outcrop.
* death by ninja bear
* death by mule deer
* death by ninja bear # 2
* death by same ninja bear # 2, but with alternate claws.
* fall into hole left by retarded terraformer, get stuck, type /unstuck, get eaten by hamster waiting outside hole.
* death by bear # 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 23.
* death by coyote
* death by coyote AND bear
* Drop totem, spend 3 hours collecting cloth, abandon Totem to move over slightly for better view of junk yard, get jumped by 3 rabbits, try to drop totem again, get told that there is 6 hours to wait, end up on founders island, forget location of cloth. Cry.
* Death by bear ... pretty sure same bear as # 6. Something about the way it ate him afterwards seemed familiar.
* Venture into green mist in search of safe haven. Find no such thing in green mist.
* Death by multispecies street gang ... Pine Martin, Rabbit and Hamster, a terrifying mix of cuteness and gore.
* Spot actual player terraforming his trading post. Say 'hi' in local. Receive 'if i find you, i will kill you' in return. Run into the woods, screaming like a girl, get eaten by bear.

Despite these trials and tribulations, Brenno was rather enjoying himself. He was yet to craft anything, his hit points were on par with a new born slug, and his attempts to flirt with Mrs Brown over a sprig of Wild Oak Tea had yet to produce dividends ... but Brenno now had his own patch of Lake Tahoe, he had his sneakers, and he had a plan to one day be the most powerful survivor the New World had ever known.

He decided to announce his plan to the whole world, and damn the consequences.

/Y Hey everyone, I am going to rule the world !!!

Vaganza : Hey everyone, I am going to rule the world !!!
PussBunny : Hey Noob shut it !!
RandomGanker : Haha, your name is like Vagina !!

Well, that did not go as well as hoped ...

… time to reroll. And maybe a new name for good measure.

... To be continued.